IMO

Before his stand up routine, Aziz Ansari solicited $1500 bids to vote on whether the content of the show would be that of his smiley and goofy self, or a rough and angry alter-ego (not wholly unlike his Funny People character, Randy, which he has been known to bring out from time to time). I accidentally put too many zeros on my check, and he decided that $15,000 was enough for me to now have complete creative control of his routine for the evening. The resulting show was terrible. A wonderful lesson in the pitfalls of commissioning art.

Had a dream that Katie and I were gliding through the air trying to infiltrate an heavily guarded fortress. We came up short and fell in the moat where we were attacked by alligators. I did my best to fend them off but we quickly became overwhelmed. At that point I told Katie, “This is your dream. You need to control it and move us to safety. If you can’t get that done very quickly I am going to have to just wake us up.”

When I couldn’t wait any longer I did just that, forcefully squinted my eyes shut until I woke up, then I turned over to Katie and started pushing on her shoulder, hair, and cheek trying to wake her up so she would not be devoured by the alligators. Eventually I just reached up and pried her eyelids open. She abruptly woke up, very confused, and looked at me like I was out of my mind. And I was. It was only at that moment that I came to my senses and remembered that shared dreaming isn’t a real thing.

I didn’t say another word, just rolled over and went back to sleep. Katie has no memory of being woken up. Thank goodness.

Had a dream that I was up working all last night. Woke up exhausted.

I travel to a backwoods community center that turns out to be a commune for cultists and radicals. They request contributions for an up coming “field trip” and then kill their visitors by first covering them in a flammable rubbery paste made cotton balls and gasoline and then locking them in a room with fire breathing bees.

A friend of mine admits he is afflicted with an addiction where he sneaks out in the night, heads into the woods, finds moose pee, freezes it, and gnaws on his moose pee ice in guilt filled privacy. 

I have decided to start documenting some of the stranger things I dream about. Here is the first of what will hopefully be many bizarre excerpts

11/8/2011

At a banquet style dinner in a new town it is revealed that I have been chosen as a sacrifice so that this 45 year old bearded man can have his teeth back that he lost in an accident years ago.